oh dear.

I'm really frustrated right now. haha. What's new, right? But in all seriousness. I think there is something seriously wrong with me.

I've been trying for months to start losing weight. It just makes me want to cry. I lose 10 pounds and gain back 20. I know that there are things I can do better (ie: healthier eating, exercising more), it's just frustrating. It's hard to keep going when I just keep gaining weight. I just feel completely disgusted with myself. Every picture that I see of myself, I just want to erase me out of the image. Even when I try to dress up, I just feel like I'm mocking the idea because I look terrible. The outfits that I want to wear would look cute on someone that was thinner, but they look horrible on me because I'm fat. I hate it. I don't want to go out with people. I don't want to wear nice clothes because it just brings attention to the fact that I'm fat.

I really hate these feelings that I have towards myself right now. I know that some of them won't go away just because I lose the weight that I want, but I'm sure that I wouldn't want to disappear in public and I'm sure that I'd be a bit happier. Right now there are times that I don't even want to get out of bed. This is probably bordering on depression...

Even when I go to the gym, I feel like people are watching me, probably snickering at the fat girl trying to run on a treadmill. I feel ridiculous. I know I have to do it, and that's fine. I know that I have to face these feelings so they will go away, but I just feel so childish about it. It's embarrassing. Steve wants me to go out and exercise with him or take up Taekwondo with him, but I feel like people would make fun of me if I tried. Booooo.

I just hope I can just let these inhibitions go sooner, rather than later. I want to enjoy my life, not feel like I have to hide because I'm fat.