Stress of it all...

Oh man. I can't even begin to explain the heaviness I feel. I'm not even sure what the cause of this weight is, but it's really frustrating. I feel alone and like I always mess things up. Like no one wants to be around me, not even myself. I've been feeling indifferent and slightly sad. Almost like I don't want to live, but I sure don't want to die. I hope that doesn't concern anyone, but I don't even think anyone reads this anyway. If there is someone reading, they're probably just laughing at how stupid I am.

I've been feeling this way for a little while now. I don't like it. I'm not sure exactly how to stop it. I can't pinpoint the exact start, but I remember feeling extremely heavy after the day I gave blood.

I decided to give blood after class, right before work. I don't really enjoy giving blood, so I'm not sure what compelled me to do so. It's the needles and the fact that everyone can watch as you're being drained that doesn't appeal to me. The last time I had given blood was 5 years prior, and I was extremely sick afterward. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I waited 2 hours to give blood. As each moment passed, the tenser I became. When the bag was full to the max, this beeping started. I guess it was to let the nurse know to come take the needle out. She didn't respond right away, and the beeping became like a panicked heart rate monitor. Freaked me out. When she ripped the needle from my arm, tears streamed down my face. The tension and fear had just mounted. I felt embarrassed because people were just starting at me. All the nurse could say was 'oh, you're fine!', as if I was annoying her. I grabbed my juice, cookies, and water and headed to work.

When I got on the freeway into my desired lane, I realized that I was completely surrounded by these huge 16-wheeler trucks. I hate being beside even just one of these vehicles. It just makes me uneasy. Of course, today just had to be the day where there were 4 around me, blocking me in like a cage. All I could do was laugh.

Just as I was adjusting to this uncomfortable situation, I get a phone call from my mother. She was frantic and in a state of panic. She told me that she was going to commit suicide this evening because her life is so horrible that she can't take it anymore. She can't take wondering if she could pay her bills and she can't take the fact that her children hate her. I don't remember what I said, but it seemed to calm her. I got off the phone and it was time to work.

I put on a happy face, and pretended that everything was fine, even though I'm not sure if everything is fine. All I remember is being parked in my drive way at home. I took the key out of the ignition and just began to sob. I cried until I just couldn't cry anymore. I went inside and tried to talk to Steve, but he was distracted with WOW and I didn't want to distract him. I went to sleep.

The next day was my painting class. I looked forward to it, thinking that maybe I could release some of the feelings that I was having into something else so I wouldn't have to harbor it. I finished two paintings, but the feelings still stuck. Later that night, Steve had a show to play at the Cove. I helped out by recording the show for them, which I fucked up because I wasn't thinking. I was trying to get the best angle for things. Steve let me know that it's not a camera, that I should have just stuck to one. I thought that they could just flip the image in an editing program... Oops.

While at the show, I saw this guy walk past me that looked extremely familiar. I thought he was this kid that I went to high school with, DJ, but I figured that it wouldn't have been him because they live like 3 hours away. When he walked past me again, I knew it was him. I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi. Two other people that I went to school were there with him, and we all went outside for a smoke and a talk. It blew my mind that they were there. Still does. They told me what was happening in my hometown, letting me know about the current state of my best friends in high school. All of them are severe drug addicts, barely holding onto life. One actually died.

I'm devastated. I feel like part of it is my fault. What if I hadn't moved here? Could I have been the one person to save them? Or would I be stuck in that shit? Would I be dead? It's overwhelming. I feel tremendous guilt, but I don't even know that if I would have stayed, if would have changed anything. Steve told me that one person doesn't make that much of a difference. I beg to differ. One person showing that they care, and they are willing to support a friend, can affect a lot. One person can make someone happy, and yet at the same time, one person can make someone feel like they are complete shit. One person holds power, even if they don't want to acknowledge it. I feel responsible because I didn't help. I didn't know, but I'm still responsible.

At times my mother drives me crazy. She brings unnecessary drama to situations. She knows how to manipulate people to get the outcome that she wants. She knows how to make me hurt. She hurts everyone, friends and family alike. She has no boundaries, almost ruthless and cut-throat. She likes to kick me when I'm down. At times she can encourage, but it's very rare. I feel horrible because I cannot help my mother. There is nothing that I can say or do to make her feel better. It is part of her illness(es). She wants help, but she is too proud to accept it. She wants people to hear her, yet she doesn't listen to what they say. I feel horrible because there are times that I hate my mother so much, it's unbelievable. I don't want to hate, anything. Especially my own mother. She's my mother for Christ's sake. Isn't a child supposed to love a parent unconditionally, no matter how much pain they've caused? Isn't that a part of being a family? I'm attached, someway, somehow. I can't break that attachment. She's the only parent I've ever known. If I lose her, I feel that I've lost everything. How do you explain that to a person that has no desire to hear how you'd feel if she was gone?

Maybe I'm like my mother and that's why people don't like me. Maybe I push people away. I fear opening up to people will show how weak I am. I fear that people just won't understand. My feelings are so raw and unpredictable right now. I feel like I can't be myself. If you read this... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I feel like I'm going to explode.