My Nico-Called Life

Where has the time gone?!

2010-09-07T03:49:00.000-04:00

It seems like just yesterday it was June. I really can't believe it's September. But anyway, I digress.

A lot of things have happened since I last posted:

A-Moved into a new house
B-Transferred to a new school
C-Made some new friends
D-Started school
E-Got a kitten
F-Quit my job

A. So Stephen and I moved from the house that we rented to his parents finished basement. It's nice. Plenty of closet space, and an open floor plan. We divided the large room that you first walk into from the upstairs into two: the living room/seating area and a little nook to read/office space. One of the closets is my painting area. The laundry room is also located downstairs. His parents' washer and dryer are awesome. They're front loaders, which is nice. I enjoy watching the water/clothes spin around. I also enjoy the bathroom. It's about 5 times as big as the one at the other house. That bathroom was not only ugly, but crazy small as well. I'm happy to get away from the 70's brown that had invaded that bathroom- brown sink, brown cabinets, brown toilet, and brown bathtub. Ugh, I never knew that I really disliked brown in the bathroom. (haha, no pun intended.)

Every now and then I get annoyed with living here. Only because it's like living with your parents again, and they're not even my parents. Sometimes I don't get the alone time that I want, but oh well. They mean well. I'm sure they get just as frustrated living with us. haha. The thing that bothers me the most, is the fact that it seems like they don't respect the fact that I don't want the cats to get outside. In fact, a lot of the times they open the door when I'm not home and allow the cats out. I'm not trying to be a terrible person by keeping the cats indoors, I'm trying to keep my cats healthy/protected. The cats don't have their shots and could get any number of illnesses (rabies, feline aids, feline leukemia, fleas, etc.). I don't have the money to take them to the vet and I certainly don't want them to get hurt/die. I understand that the older cats were once outdoor cats, but they are no longer outdoor cats. I don't have the energy to constantly fight to keep them inside when a door is opened. What makes it harder to keep them outside, is if they're let outside. It makes them crave the outdoors just that much more. Oh well. End rant. haha.

B/D. So I graduated from Lakeland in May with my Associate of Arts degree. Doesn't really mean much, as it will not help me get a job. haha. I just figured I would get it so more of my classes would transfer over to another college. I'm currently enrolled at Ursuline for Art Therapy. I have 2 years until I'll have my Bachelors, and 4 years until I'll have my Masters. I'm not sure if I want to get my PHD or not. So far it's been interesting. I'm taking 5 Classes: Abnormal Psych, Metalcrafting, a class on culture, Hebrew Scripture (the old testament), and Christian Theology. I'm not too fond of the religion courses, but that's what I get for going to a private catholic university. haha. It's required for the degree, so I just have to put up with it and learn as much as I can. There's a lot of reading though that I'm not used to. I'm not sure if it's because I was going to a community college or what, but shit. haha. 12 chapters a week seems a little much, especially since most of the chapters are at least 40 pages with 8pt font. Oh well. I'm mainly concerned with the religion courses, since one is an online course. Totally didn't know it was an online course, until the first day of class. *GULP* STUDY POWER!

C. I met this girl while I was working at the photolab at school who mentioned a drum circle that she went to every week. Sounded like good time, so I've been going every Thursday since May. The people are really awesome, and are really fun to chat with and play drums with. I've been learning how to play the doumbek. Steve actually just got me a ceramic one with a goatskin head. It's beautiful, and sounds beautiful, but it's something I'll have to get used to. I had been playing on whatever extra drums were available there, mainly aluminum with synthetic heads. They have a completely different sound. The ones there are also about 4-5 inches wider than the one I have, which makes it easier to play. I'm sure eventually I'll get the hang of it, its just a little frustrating. The glaze colors and carvings on the base is amazing though. It's made by a company called 'Full Circle Drums'. I'd like to get either a Meinl doumbek or a doumbek from Egypt (these are a little expensive), but I'll have to save up for them.

E. I got a new kitten and named him Rosco. He's the most rambunctious kitten I've ever met. Full of piss and vinegar, tons of energy, and crazy playful. I wasn't planning on getting a new kitten, I just had come home one day and Steve's mom said that she had a surprise under her bed. I went to check and it was this cute little kitten. I scooped him up and said 'MINE!' haha. He's adorable, but also I had other motives for doing so. It's probably not my place, but Steve's mom just sold her last dog, and has given away 3 cats after they grew up- All of which I had grown attached to. I just couldn't see another animal brought into the family, raised, and then given to the humane society for some reason. My other 3 cats didn't seem to appreciate bringing in a new family member, especially the baby, Chanel. They now all seem to be adjusting well to Rosco, and have been playing with him. Smokey loves to play with the kitten, the kitten loves to play with Charlies tail, and Chanel just likes to watch the kitten play and be obnoxious.

F. I've seriously been talking about quitting my job for years, and finally just got fed up with the BS that had been going on. It wasn't fair, and I was constantly being harassed every time I walked into the place. So I've been unemployed for a few days. Seems a little strange to me. Just feels like I'm on vacation. haah. I've applied for work at Borders, CVS, and Starbucks so far. I'm really hoping to get a call back soon.

Well, that's it for now. I'm exhausted.

oh dear.

2010-05-03T18:58:00.000-04:00

I'm really frustrated right now. haha. What's new, right? But in all seriousness. I think there is something seriously wrong with me.

I've been trying for months to start losing weight. It just makes me want to cry. I lose 10 pounds and gain back 20. I know that there are things I can do better (ie: healthier eating, exercising more), it's just frustrating. It's hard to keep going when I just keep gaining weight. I just feel completely disgusted with myself. Every picture that I see of myself, I just want to erase me out of the image. Even when I try to dress up, I just feel like I'm mocking the idea because I look terrible. The outfits that I want to wear would look cute on someone that was thinner, but they look horrible on me because I'm fat. I hate it. I don't want to go out with people. I don't want to wear nice clothes because it just brings attention to the fact that I'm fat.

I really hate these feelings that I have towards myself right now. I know that some of them won't go away just because I lose the weight that I want, but I'm sure that I wouldn't want to disappear in public and I'm sure that I'd be a bit happier. Right now there are times that I don't even want to get out of bed. This is probably bordering on depression...

Even when I go to the gym, I feel like people are watching me, probably snickering at the fat girl trying to run on a treadmill. I feel ridiculous. I know I have to do it, and that's fine. I know that I have to face these feelings so they will go away, but I just feel so childish about it. It's embarrassing. Steve wants me to go out and exercise with him or take up Taekwondo with him, but I feel like people would make fun of me if I tried. Booooo.

I just hope I can just let these inhibitions go sooner, rather than later. I want to enjoy my life, not feel like I have to hide because I'm fat.

Stress of it all...

2010-04-08T23:46:00.003-04:00

Oh man. I can't even begin to explain the heaviness I feel. I'm not even sure what the cause of this weight is, but it's really frustrating. I feel alone and like I always mess things up. Like no one wants to be around me, not even myself. I've been feeling indifferent and slightly sad. Almost like I don't want to live, but I sure don't want to die. I hope that doesn't concern anyone, but I don't even think anyone reads this anyway. If there is someone reading, they're probably just laughing at how stupid I am.

I've been feeling this way for a little while now. I don't like it. I'm not sure exactly how to stop it. I can't pinpoint the exact start, but I remember feeling extremely heavy after the day I gave blood.

I decided to give blood after class, right before work. I don't really enjoy giving blood, so I'm not sure what compelled me to do so. It's the needles and the fact that everyone can watch as you're being drained that doesn't appeal to me. The last time I had given blood was 5 years prior, and I was extremely sick afterward. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I waited 2 hours to give blood. As each moment passed, the tenser I became. When the bag was full to the max, this beeping started. I guess it was to let the nurse know to come take the needle out. She didn't respond right away, and the beeping became like a panicked heart rate monitor. Freaked me out. When she ripped the needle from my arm, tears streamed down my face. The tension and fear had just mounted. I felt embarrassed because people were just starting at me. All the nurse could say was 'oh, you're fine!', as if I was annoying her. I grabbed my juice, cookies, and water and headed to work.

When I got on the freeway into my desired lane, I realized that I was completely surrounded by these huge 16-wheeler trucks. I hate being beside even just one of these vehicles. It just makes me uneasy. Of course, today just had to be the day where there were 4 around me, blocking me in like a cage. All I could do was laugh.

Just as I was adjusting to this uncomfortable situation, I get a phone call from my mother. She was frantic and in a state of panic. She told me that she was going to commit suicide this evening because her life is so horrible that she can't take it anymore. She can't take wondering if she could pay her bills and she can't take the fact that her children hate her. I don't remember what I said, but it seemed to calm her. I got off the phone and it was time to work.

I put on a happy face, and pretended that everything was fine, even though I'm not sure if everything is fine. All I remember is being parked in my drive way at home. I took the key out of the ignition and just began to sob. I cried until I just couldn't cry anymore. I went inside and tried to talk to Steve, but he was distracted with WOW and I didn't want to distract him. I went to sleep.

The next day was my painting class. I looked forward to it, thinking that maybe I could release some of the feelings that I was having into something else so I wouldn't have to harbor it. I finished two paintings, but the feelings still stuck. Later that night, Steve had a show to play at the Cove. I helped out by recording the show for them, which I fucked up because I wasn't thinking. I was trying to get the best angle for things. Steve let me know that it's not a camera, that I should have just stuck to one. I thought that they could just flip the image in an editing program... Oops.

While at the show, I saw this guy walk past me that looked extremely familiar. I thought he was this kid that I went to high school with, DJ, but I figured that it wouldn't have been him because they live like 3 hours away. When he walked past me again, I knew it was him. I tapped him on the shoulder and said hi. Two other people that I went to school were there with him, and we all went outside for a smoke and a talk. It blew my mind that they were there. Still does. They told me what was happening in my hometown, letting me know about the current state of my best friends in high school. All of them are severe drug addicts, barely holding onto life. One actually died.

I'm devastated. I feel like part of it is my fault. What if I hadn't moved here? Could I have been the one person to save them? Or would I be stuck in that shit? Would I be dead? It's overwhelming. I feel tremendous guilt, but I don't even know that if I would have stayed, if would have changed anything. Steve told me that one person doesn't make that much of a difference. I beg to differ. One person showing that they care, and they are willing to support a friend, can affect a lot. One person can make someone happy, and yet at the same time, one person can make someone feel like they are complete shit. One person holds power, even if they don't want to acknowledge it. I feel responsible because I didn't help. I didn't know, but I'm still responsible.

At times my mother drives me crazy. She brings unnecessary drama to situations. She knows how to manipulate people to get the outcome that she wants. She knows how to make me hurt. She hurts everyone, friends and family alike. She has no boundaries, almost ruthless and cut-throat. She likes to kick me when I'm down. At times she can encourage, but it's very rare. I feel horrible because I cannot help my mother. There is nothing that I can say or do to make her feel better. It is part of her illness(es). She wants help, but she is too proud to accept it. She wants people to hear her, yet she doesn't listen to what they say. I feel horrible because there are times that I hate my mother so much, it's unbelievable. I don't want to hate, anything. Especially my own mother. She's my mother for Christ's sake. Isn't a child supposed to love a parent unconditionally, no matter how much pain they've caused? Isn't that a part of being a family? I'm attached, someway, somehow. I can't break that attachment. She's the only parent I've ever known. If I lose her, I feel that I've lost everything. How do you explain that to a person that has no desire to hear how you'd feel if she was gone?

Maybe I'm like my mother and that's why people don't like me. Maybe I push people away. I fear opening up to people will show how weak I am. I fear that people just won't understand. My feelings are so raw and unpredictable right now. I feel like I can't be myself. If you read this... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I feel like I'm going to explode.

Oh dear.

2010-03-19T14:13:00.002-04:00

So this week was Spring Break. I had a whole list of items to accomplish, yet all I've managed to do is stay up late, over sleep, and finish nothing on that list. haha. So I have 3 final days left to attempt to finish it.

My ultimate goal is to complete these 2 lingering essays to the university I want to get into. I'm suck on how to start them. I have ideas on how I want them to be, but I just can't figure out how to get the ball rolling. It'll come...

I stopped up at Barnes and Noble the other day looking for Kelly Cutrone's new book, "If You Have To Cry, Go Outside." They were sold out, so I had to put an order in for it. It came in yesterday, so Steve picked it up for me. I started reading it, and I just couldn't put it down until I was finished. Crazy awesome book. It really inspired me.

Anyway, by writing this, I'm prolonging the time it will take to finish the list. Therefore, I'm off to start it. :)

Sheesh.

2010-02-08T10:29:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's February already!! Crazy. I can remember when I was younger, time seemed to stand still. Months took forever to reach the next, and it just always seemed like enough time had passed until the next activity started. I could never understand when I'd hear people say 'time flies', but I'd always agree with them out of courtesy. I now understand that phrase though. Now, with deadlines approaching nearer each moment, I'm fighting to win the battle against the clock. There are so many tasks that I want to complete. Frankly, too many tasks. haha. But I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

This semester so far has been pretty awesome. I'm taking courses in geology, french 2, behavior modification (I'll refer to it as b-mod), and painting 2. What's awesome is that I haven't been late to a single class, and I haven't skipped a class either. (GASP!- I know, I'm proud too!). Painting 2 is my favorite, but b-mod is probably the most interesting. Right now, we are learning how to change our current behavior into the goal behavior that we'd like to have. There's a lot of steps that go into that, but I'm still learning them all. haha.

My goal is to increase my creative productivity. Also, instead of wasting time, I'd like to create a schedule that I can abide by to increase activity. Instead of spending hours on the internet(I really don't know where the time goes, I just get sucked into that black hole of a search engine...), I'd like to devote my time towards things that will be productive (Ie: cleaning the house, doing chores, homework, working out, couple time, "me" time, and being creative). I think that if I have a schedule to follow, it will be easier to implement my goal habits into effect. There's a lot to be done, but I'm positive that as long as I'm putting an effort into the change, everything else will fall into place.

Geology is kinda lame, but it gets me up early to do something with the rest of my day. (Side note: Oh man. I'm watching the Price is Right. This dude totally just made a fool of himself, but I'm laughing so hard. So thank you dude. haha. I must say, I love the new dresses the showgirls have to wear.) French is fun. I just feel kinda retarded because I just can't remember everything. It makes it tough when you are 1 of 3 students who have never seen the information before and the other 12 students had 4 years of French in high school. It seems a little unfair. Bah. I signed up last week for a tutor, and the other 2 students that are having issues are in a study group with me, so hopefully all these efforts will not go to waste! I should probably do more on livemocha. Scratch that, I'm going to do more on livemocha. haha.

Anywhoo. I bought a gym membership last week. I had one before, but i just didn't use it. I made excuses as to why I couldn't go and all that, but I'm refusing to waste $400. ( Oh man. I could have gone to Target. haha. or Ulta. haha. or Cat Patan's. haha.) I think I made the right decision. I'm excited, I meet with a trainer on Wednesday. I'm a little nervous because the dude is crazy beefy and he's probably going to kick my ass, but it's all in the name of health!

2010 Resolutions!

2009-12-30T03:08:00.002-05:00

So! It's that time for the end of a year and the beginning of another. Ah, New Years. In the past I've done resolution lists so long it would take someone 40 years to complete... So this year I'm opting to keep it simple by limiting myself to 10 resolutions max. Here they are!
01) Lose weight! (100 lbs to be exact...)
02) Be on time! (Stick to a schedule/routine.)
03) Stop procrastinating! (Just do it!)
04) Eat Healthier! (No fast food or very rarely.)
05) Read more! (Knowledge=Power.)
06) Stay organized! (Keep a home Martha would be proud of.)
07) Watch my spending!
08) Do more art!
09) Feel more confident, smile more, and feel beautiful!
10) Love and Accept Thy Self!

Holidays!

2009-12-30T02:25:00.004-05:00

Well I hope your holidays were just as festive as mine were! I had tons of fun and enjoyed the company of cuddable kittens, friends in mittens, and sweet Stevie-Pie! haha.

The festivities began after work on Christmas Eve with a gathering of family friends at our place. We smashed a peppermint pig and recollected fond memories of the year, and popped open some holiday crackers to start some memories for next year. Both of these traditions root from England. Peppermint is supposedly good luck, and the large POP! from the crackers are supposed to ward off evil spirits and bring luck. I wanted to start some family traditions, since I never really had any. haha. So far, the crowd finds the traditions gay and tacky, but I'm determined to keep them going! haha. Maybe one day we will all laugh about how I wanted to start some sort of tradition. OR! Maybe over the years more traditions will just somehow fall into place. (Yes, peppermint pigs and holiday crackers will still be around.)

Our guests stayed until about 11:30PM, playing games and snacking on foods. After the guests departed, The kittens, Steve and I all opened our stockings. The cats got some new toys (Chanel's favorite is a new laser-pointer); Steve got some hot sauce, pop rocks, and some other random desk toys for work; I got a sweet new Betsey Johnson wallet, candy, a decorative owl, and some new Mocha Rose lip balm. I pleaded and begged Steve to open our presents then, but he insisted that we wait until morning. I reluctantly obliged.

The next morning, Steve woke me up at 9AM. I remember my first groggy word was 'PRESENTS?!' all excited, yet still wanting to sleep. We both got some really awesome stuff. Steve got the new season of Robot Chicken, the new Call of Duty game that he wanted, candles from White Barn in his favorite scent, and some manly man stuff (IE: Shaving cream, Shampoo/body wash stuff, and Razors). I got some really awesome books, a night sky projection kit, two owl necklaces, an electronic glass scale, and a couple wii games. After opening gifts I made some hot cocoa and we watched some movies together on Netflix until it was time to go to his parents house.

We went to Steve's parents house around 6:30PM (late of course, due to my sluggish momentum). We opened gifts and ate food. Then some of us played beer pong in the basement. It was my first time ever playing it, and I must say it was pretty awesome. I really do hate the taste of beer though, but in small amounts for the game it wasn't too bad. I love that Linzy and Brian bought the beer pong set at Sheetz. Next year, I'm feeling multiple rounds. haha.

Monday was my birthday. Turned the big 2-2. haha. Sometimes I feel so old, even though everytime I say that, someone wants to whack me in the head. haha. I requested the day off from work and enjoyed the day. Didn't really do much except shop online. I ordered a sweet new bag from thinkgeek.com. It's a cassette shaped bag. I got some other stuff, but I can't honestly remember what I got. I saw this commercial for a colossal cupcake mold for $19.95 (bigtopcupcake.com)and I really, really want it. haha. There's a free gift of 3D animal cookie cutters which is an added bonus. Though I have a feeling that if I order it, there won't be much use with it. But who knows. It just may be so awesome that I won't be able to contain the awesomeness and will have to bake a cake at least once a month. haha. It's a little ridiculous, but come on. How can you pass it up after seeing the animal cupcakes. haha. I'm totally buying it next paycheck. haha. I'm such a sucker. haha.

After wasting most of the day on the internet, Steve and I went out to eat with my friends, Nikki and Dean. We went to Red Robin (yum). It was delish! Then we all went to Target and perused the aisles. I came home with a brand new tea kettle since mine is rusting, some cake mix, some cookie mix, and a multi-color display alarm clock. My new tea kettle is so cute and green. I decided to get a new alarm clock since I can no longer hear my alarms in the morning. haha.

Tuesday was pretty cool. Slept in until 11, then met Steve for lunch at 12:30. Got my registration renewed on my car (JETTA LOVE!). Then hung out with Nikki at the mall. We picked out a dress outfit for Dean to wear on Thursday to this Croatian dinner that they're attending with family. Then I went with Nikki to her hair appointment in Willoughby. It's a really cute salon! They also act as a gallery by hanging works from local artists up for sale. I think I'm actually going to go back and get my hair done tomorrow. :) (Er, later today.)

I found this really cute bob style cut. It's shorter, which I like. I just don't look good with long hair. My hair is too fine. Once it gets a certain length (like it's at currently) it just knots and tangles and is just a real pain. I know longer hair is supposed to be easier to take care of, but I hate it. haah. I'm also thinking about dying my hair redish brown..... Or maybe just keeping it blonde, but doing some touch ups on the roots. We'll see. I've invited Ana to come with me, because I always need a second opinion. haha. Hopefully she comes with me :)

After Nikki's haircut, it was time for Steve and I to meet up with his parents for my birthday dinner. I wanted to go to the brewery, but Steve wanted to save that for a special ocassion with just us. So, he suggested Capps. It's a homely restaurant in the middle of nowhere, where the food is absolutely delicious, and the portions are large. haha. Steve wanted me to drive the Jetta, so I did. haha. We picked up his parents and began the drive. :) When we got there it was a little chilly inside, and the service was slow due the busy-ness (it's practically the only restaurant in town), but it was still a good meal. I had some salad (which I split with steve), these delicious garlic balls (oh my gosh! so good- one of my favorites), and the spaghetti and meatball special. Steve had a sub, as did his mom, and his dad had some baked ziti. Mmmmmm! I almost got a calzone, but I craved some homemade pasta and meatballs when the waitress announced the specials. The dish brought back memories of eating my favorite meal as a child (Spaghetti and meatballs) at my favorite restaurant back home (Camelot). MMmm!

Finale

2009-12-04T01:24:00.003-05:00

Ah! So finals week is here! I don't believe that I have classes on Monday! I have to spend this day painting. haha. I have two 75% completed paintings and one 25% completed painting that are all due Thursday. Tuesday morning is my first final (animal biology)and I'm a little worried. hah. I hate the format of the tests that she has given out this semester, and I imagine that the final will be no different. Boo. Wednesday I have two finals, economics and social psychology. Thursday I have two finals, painting and color photography, but I'm pretty sure those won't be hard at all. I'm glad that I already had one final already (health fitness). I aced it :). Only missed 2 questions! Go me. haha. I'm so happy for this semester to end. Never again will I take this many classes. Stupid, stupid girl. haha. Damn you, over-achievement! BUT! There is good news for all my obsessiveness with taking as many classes as I can... I may get my Associate's Degree next semester! WOOT! I was checking everything out this evening (because I can't sleep), and I only need to take 2 more classes. YAYYYYYY. :)

I also figured out which college I want to transfer to, and finally what I want to do career wise. :) I want to go to Ursuline College (roughly 30 minutes away from my house) for art therapy and counseling. Their art therapy program is an undergraduate program, so first i have to get my bachelors in art. I can't do that at my current school, so I will complete that there. I also talked to a graduate from their program/retired art therapist in my painting class. She told me wonderful things about the program, and how Cleveland is a great area for art therapy. That is relieving, because I was beginning to think that there was no hope for me in the art world. That I might have to switch gears to something more practical to get a job. I'm really excited though. And I'm happy that I've finally made a decision. I was beginning to worry that I may never figure it out. I want to schedule an appointment to tour the school and talk to a counselor before I apply just to make sure that it's what I want and to take a look around. The only thing that intimidates me is the price. It's a little bit pricey, and I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to afford it. I'm hoping for financial aid. :) If not, I guess there are always different loans to take out. haha.

I think next semester I'm going to take 4 classes. A psychology class based on human behavior, a physical science, painting 2 (I really enjoyed painting 1), and I'm debating between comparative religion or commercial photography. I'm feeling comparative religion. OH! Or I could take a jewelry making class :). (haha. I think this is why I always get stuck taking like 5 or 6 classes, because I can never narrow it down to 4.) I hear that the jewelry class is crazy expensive though.. so I may just stick with comparative religion. I know the professor, and he's awesome. I've been meaning to stop by his office and chat with him. Things have been crazy lately and I haven't found the time to stop by.

Ok, so I just realized that it's 2am and I have work in 6 hours. haha. FML. haha. I shouldn't have drank that coffee at 10pm. Off to sleep, I say!

Let the games begin!

2009-11-21T02:13:00.005-05:00

Ah! The calm before the storm! haha. Monday marks start of the crazy period: the end of the semester. Papers, finals, presentations, paintings, critiques, and stress! YAY. I'm pumped! (sarcasm) It's crazy. This semester has gone by so quickly, but I can't wait for it to be over. haha.

The last 4 weeks have been pretty nice. I've enjoyed having the extra time (from not working)to catch up on things. I've been watching a lot of Netflick movies. Some good, a lot of mediocre, and some bad. But still, I do love movies. What gets me is that I still seem to not have enough time in the day (maybe there would be more time if I stopped watching so many movies, eh?)! haha. There's really no excuse for not getting things done because... well, I don't have a job! (The photolab job doesn't count because its only 6 hours a week.) Although I haven't gotten much checked of my numerous lists, I have been having some good times and spending some quality time with Stephen <3!

Last Saturday was the opening the France exhibit at school. It was really nice to see everyone again and reacquaint. The professors that led the class created a really great video for all of us. It has the best shots from all the students on it, the prints shown in the gallery (they only chose the 20 best images), candid shots, video of the Rouen light show, video of the Mozart concert I saw inside the Notre Dame cathedral, and some other random video clips captured by Frank (one of the professors). We haven't gotten the final DVD yet (Frank had some final touches to add), but I'm excited for it! I'm hoping Frank might let me borrow a disc to bring home on Thanksgiving break to show my family.

Tuesday of this week was an exciting day! It was filled to the brim with fun. haha. It started off bright and early at 7:15 am when i had to get ready for my Animal Biology class. I got on the road to pick up a classmate at 7:45 am and we headed to the Metro Farmpark in Kirtland. It was a pretty interesting place! I had been there once before with Steve during the summer for a craft festival that they have every year, but this time it was all in the name of animals! haah.

The first stop we made was the dairy section, were we saw 4 cows and a baby calf. The calf was sooooo cute. I was petting her when she thought that I had some food, so she started nibbling and sucking on my arm. It was the most awkward feeling! Cows only have teeth on the bottom, but because the calf was only a month old, it didn't even have those developed. So it was like having a slimy-wet, gummy, mush sucking on my arm. It was gross. I laughed pretty hard though. The older cows were cute. They were mainly concerned with eating hay and drinking their water. We then learned how to make cheese from milk. We weren't allowed to taste it, as Ohio has laws against consuming products that aren't pasteurized/homogenized, but it was still an interesting process to watch nonetheless. Next we saw some pigs, sheep, goats (baby goats too!), llamas, alpacas, chickens, horses, turkey, and rabbits. I also saw this cute little cat that was basking in the sun. She loved getting petted. Then Rachel (a classmate) and I went to Chipotle for some lunch. It was deeeeelicious.

Later I met up with Nikki (another classmate) and her boyfriend Dean to go up to the Cleveland Art Museum. We went to see the Gauguin exhibit that is there. It was pretty sweet. I had two favorite parts: the contemporary gallery anddddddd (drumroll please.....) the Childrens area! haha. The Childrens area was awesome because it had mini stations with activities. There was a station with a special molding clay that never dries out, which allows you to constantly change the form and mold it into something new. There were others with colored paper and like 20 different stamps of miniature Gauguin paintings. It was cool. :) I definitely want to go back before the exhibit closes because we went a little later in the day and didn't have a whole lot of time to spend with the work. Hopefully next time I'll get there earlier and have more time to spend gazing at the work. It was pretty awesome. I remember seeing some of the paintings in France... but by that point I was like 'yeah, yeah. Museums and paintings, museums and paintings.' Then I would actually visit the place in the painting and I just didn't correlate the two together. Seeing them again really allowed me to have that 'AH HA!' moment where it finally clicked. It was a really cool experience.

This week should be pretty exciting too! TURKEY TIMEEEEE! haah. Man, I love homemade mashed potatoes and gravy. Mm, mm, mm. :) I get to drive back home and see my family and eat my mom's cooking. Oh buoy! It'll be cool to see my brother too. :) Then Steve and I will come back home and visit his family. Probably play some games, have some laughs. Ah. Family. :)

I also start my new job at the World Market in Mayfield. That'll be fun. I hear its pretty dirty and the people aren't helpful as they should be... so all in all should be a good time! haha. I'm hoping that it won't be as bad as what people have told me, but I can't wait for the income! Whoohoo! haah.

OH! I almost forgot! (I know I can go back and edit, but that's no fun. haha) I got 3 shots into the France exhibit at school. I also finished a painting that I could like! haha. It's a painting of an old worn jean shirt. My professor has a thing for jean shirts, and just can bear the thought of throwing away a perfectly good jean shirt. He's a funny character. Makes me giggle. :) I think I may take his other painting class next semester. :) Currently I'm working on a few paintings... ones with multiple purses in different angles and hands reaching for them, another is a warm, fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookie being separated down the middle (you'll be able to smell it when I'm done), and the last one is a mermaid in the ocean with seaweed. The colors of the mermaid painting are going to replicate the ones used in some fauvist paintings. I'm excited to see them all finished.

After painting today, Irene and I went out for a late linner (the lunch that's really close to dinnertime) and then went shopping at a party supply store, target, and pat catan's. We even went sniffing around Ulta for some appealing scents. I was sniffing around for some ideas for xmas colognes for Stevie and to see if I remembered which perfume I liked correctly. haha.

Wonder

2009-11-10T01:02:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wondered what things would be like if you didn't exist? How do YOU make a difference in this vast world. What about if you were gone tomorrow?

I know this may seem strange, but lately I've been wondering about it. I'm curious to know how peoples' lives would (or wouldn't) change without my existence. Would people be happy or sad? Would they feel like something was missing? Or would it just be something that they couldn't place. I mean, after all. They would have never met me, known about me, and I'm pretty sure their lives wouldn't be affected.

But what about right now? If I were to disappear, who would truly care? (Besides the obvious) Sometimes it seems as if I'm invisible to people, or that no one would even notice if I were gone. Such as working in the photo lab. I know it's just a job, but people don't even say hello! They walk in and out, right beside me, and not even acknowledge my presence. Even when I say hello to them, they don't respond. It's much like the customers walking through the doors of World Market... And you know that they hear you, they just for whatever reason (may it be them being in their own world, they just didn't hear you, or them just being a jackass) they chose not to respond.

Oh well. Who knows. Who cares, right? (I do...)

Mistake

2009-10-11T22:07:00.003-04:00

I'm a little unsure of what to think, but I know and understand that it is my own fault. I shouldn't have done what I did, but I was curious. I regret it and am disappointed by it. It hurts and probably will for awhile. After all, I really believed we were friends. Only time will tell if the damage done can heal itself, but I doubt the relationship will ever completely be the same. I thought I knew you better, but I was gravely mistaken. Turns out that you are just like the rest. I had high hopes that things would be different between us. But then again, I shouldn't have had high expectations. It only leads to disappointment. Only time can tell...

Anyway, I have a terrible headache right now. Charlie is here to comfort me.

I picked up a new CD the other day by a group called The Books. I had never heard them before until Frank at the photo-lab was in his office listening to them. I made a cup of tea and stood in his doorway to listen to a song. They're an experimental indie rock group. I enjoy their mellow edge. The words they picked to speak in their songs are chosen perfectly.

I drove to North Olmsted the other day to work at the World Market out there for the day. It's about 45 minutes to an hour away. I'm not fond of highway driving, but it was pretty easy to navigate. The store itself I had trouble finding, but eventually I did. It's an adorable store and the staff is wonderful. I did get lost on the way home, but I got there. I was a bit (understatement) upset. I hate getting lost by myself. Add in a fast-paced highway, cars speeding well above the speed limit, rain, shitty windshield wipers, cars cutting you off, and Mac trucks on either side of your vehicle. haha. It was a bit nerve racking. I suppose its strange to have those fears, but I don't want to get into an accident. One is enough. Overall, it was a very pleasant day. It was very different from what I'm accustomed to as of lately. They actually have product to sell, and the customers were really nice!

Speaking of my store, our final day is October 24th. Well, the last day open to the general public. The last two weeks after the 24th will be spent cleaning the store. All my coworkers invited me out to the bar that night for a final good-bye, World Market style. After all, a dollar more, holler more! haha.

Man. My head is pounding and my eyes are heavy. The pain is interrupting my thoughts. Hypnos is calling my name. I think I will visit him...

Strange Days...

2009-09-17T23:19:00.002-04:00

Ah.The past few weeks (actually past month) has been a strange time. I can't say for sure if it has been good or bad... just strange. I don't feel like my normal self. I feel sort of misguided in a way. Only time will tell if something good will come from the current chaos.

I found out a few weeks ago that the store that I'm currently working at will be closing, and therefore, I will lose my job. I lose my vacation time and my health benefits, which is going to suck... but I guess I'll have to manage. I'm a little angry about it, which I'm sure many could empathize with. I'm not angry that I'm losing my job or losing the benefits and all that jazz... I'm angry because it had nothing to do with the economy. The lease ran up, and the mall owner raised the rent because he's being greedy. I've heard rumors that he wants to demolish the whole strip plaza that is currently there and rebuild a new, better mall. At least if it was due to the economy, I could understand better and probably be less angry...

Not only am I upset with the mall owner, but I'm perturbed about why Corporate decided against just relocating to a different (cheaper) location. There are plenty of open store fronts elsewhere, and they would probably get more traffic through the doors. That would in turn produce more sales and more customers. Corporate said that our location was too close to a neighboring store. The problem with saything that is the fact that the neighboring store is in the middle of a different market. It's located in a richer area, where people are more willing to drop a shit ton of money. Corporate believes that our customers are willing and able to drive the extended distance to visit this store. I can guarentee that customers will not do so. They have told me that they will never go there, and have also given me a great deal of grief when I had previously refered them to the neighboring store. Customers that are driving from Jefferson (about 1.5 hours away) are just simply not going to drive an extra half hour to buy merchandise, they just simply won't go. They will find their merchandise elsewhere. I don't think corporate relizes how much business they are going to lose by closing this location completely. Maybe they know what they are doing though. I can only hope because I really do like the merchandise we sold (even though sometimes I didn't always agree with the quality...). Anyway, I shall digress.

Another thing I will miss are the friends I've made since working there. Recently I've come to the conclusion that they may not really be my friends. They've been saying some pretty hurtful things to me. They say that it's something that I need to hear, I say that its hurtful and is really unnecissary. I realize that they may be stressed out with the fact of their unknown future fate, but we're all in the same boat. We are all freaking out because we simply don't know what our future holds. We all have no idea if we will be able to pay our bills. We all have to deal with idiotic customers that are oblivious to our feelings and our welfare. That is the joy of working in retail. YOU have to deal with assholes for a living. You get paid shit and you get treated like shit. The perk of this is, that due to having to deal with all that stress, the turnover rate is high... which means that you'll probably be able to find a job pretty quickly with the amount of experience that we all have. I'm confident that we will all be ok in the long run. It's just a temporary set back.

So on top of that stress, I'm taking 6 classes (which I've listed in my previous blog), and I recently bought a new car. It's the coolest car ever. 2001 Volkswagon Jetta. I've always wanted a Jetta since before I could drive. haha. It's been one of my dream cars for awhile. And now I have one! I'm so lucky! I'm learning to drive it because it's a stick shift, and I've never driven a stick. haha. It's an interesting journey. I'm not as scared of traffic as I was when I first started. I can actually go the speed limit! I've been doing pretty well at not stalling out at lights or burning out at stop signs! Yay for me! I think I shall name her Lucy. haha. Everytime I get in the car, 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds' is one of the first few songs that she plays (even on the Ipod).

Mike and Irene also temporarily moved in with us until they can find a house. It's nice to have the extra company; people to laugh with and laugh about random things. I've also been enjoying Irene's cooking. She makes me a special plate to eat when I get home. I will miss that when they leave. It'd be cool if we found like a two story house where we'd all live. haha. It would be fun! I'm sure the boys may not like the idea, since they've mostly lived with each other their whole life. I can respect that, but still. It'd be cool. haha. I just hope that when they do find their new home, that we will see each other as often. It's pleasant.

Wonderland

2009-08-24T00:36:00.004-04:00

Ah. I've been enjoying the past few days. I requested them off of work. Hadn't had anything to do except everything! haha. I decided to not care, and just seize the moment. It all started Friday night.

Earlier in the week, my fellow coworkers and I were discussing a much needed party night before the start of school. We couldn't figure out why we hadn't done such things before, since we all are friends and get along pretty well. We decided to have one soon. Friday. :)

After work the 5 of us met up at Frank and Tony's. Two of them had been there for a few hours. (They wanted to get a head start and also reserve a table.) It was the first time I had actually gotten a table at this bar. It was lovely. The waitress had gotten us a drink order, then we didn't see her again for 45 minutes. We noticed that our buzz was slowly declining the longer we waited for a drink, so we got pro-active about it... 4 shots at a time. haah.

Eventually we decided that we needed a walk, so we walked down to a different bar (probably my favorite one), 1899. We had a shot there and went back to Frank and Tony's. During the walk back, I announced that I really wished Steve had come out to join us. We went in, grabbed our table again, and got some more drinks. Then randomly I look up and got excited. Steve was there! I guess he had been there earlier, just didn't see us. Perfect timing. I can't remember what all we talked about, but the conversation was filled with laughter. The bar closed and we all piled into Steve's car and headed to Sheetz. We had to go there because they have awesome food and my coworker had never been there before. Then we went back to the bars' parking lot and shot the breeze while eating our food. I chased a possum who was on the top of a fence. I thought it was a kitten and wanted to pet him. It didn't happen.. haha.. but it was fun talking to him. He was a very kind animal. We hung out until about 4 am. Quotes from the evening: Click, click, boom; Come, come my lady, Sugar, butterfly, baby. haha.

Steve and I woke up around 8 to go get our books at school. Then we met Vladi for breakfast at IHOP. He met us at our place to meet Chanel. She reminded him of his cats when they were younger. They're so big now! I wish that I could freeze Chanels growth. haha. I love my little baby cat. No matter how big she gets though, she'll still be my baby cat. Later that day we went to Greg and Kathleen's anniversary party. It was fun. Met some new people and talked to friends. We played hillbilly golf and later I beat up Steve. Well, tried. haha. I was trying to tackle him. I got my bull horns on (complete with a french mustache) and ran at him. He didn't move, I fell to the ground. haha. Good times.

Woke up at 2pm today. Went to the gym with Steve and then went school shopping for last minute items Steve needed. Came home and watched a really good movie. Phoebe in Wonderland. I really recommend you watching it.

Now in the early hours of the morning, I'm sitting in my adirondack chair outside listening to the sounds of the night. Crickets, the waterfall from across the street, and some chirping thing in the trees. I don't think it's a bird, but who knows. It may be a bat. I'm admiring the stars and the sky. It's a perfect sky. A slight view of the clouds with sparkles through it. Parts are clear. It's beautiful. I don't even mind the hum of our pop machine in the garage. It almost adds to the calmness. There's a slight breeze. I just love the sound of the wind rustling through the leaves. I also love the sound of my fish wind chime. Its pretty perfect. It doesn't overcome the rest of the night sounds...

I start class tomorrow. So now, my friends, I shall sleep. I think I should take a few days off more often.

Hot Hot Heat...

2009-08-10T14:40:00.003-04:00

Gosh. I really don't like the mugginess of summer. The past two days have been horrible. At least yesterday I was at work for most of the day, and then took a quick dip in the Lake with a friend. It was a good visit. Hadn't seen her in awhile. It always fascinates me how we can always just pick things up where they left off, no matter how much time has passed in between our visits. It's going to be harder to see each other soon, for I have a busy upcoming semester. Hopefully I will survive with everything in tact...

Today, though, was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be a wake-up-early-and-go-get-active day with Irene also in attendance. Yeah, the only action I got was extra sleep and moving my thumbs on the X-box controller. I'm not sure whats up with me lately, I just don't want to get up. Maybe it's the heat or lack of motivation. Maybe even a combination of both. I feel that I let things go too easily. I always say instead of do. When push comes to shove, I never admit to myself that I could actually do what I say instead of just shrugging it off....

SO! From this point on, I'm going to go get 'em Tiger:
-I will not be hard on myself when things don't go as planned.
-I will stay positive.
-I will do what I say.
-I will not complain about doing so.
-I will not be self-defeating.
-I will do my best.
-I will!

I will do all this while maintaining my sanity! (And hopefully love and friendships too. I'd hate to loose either.) I just hope that people will be patient with me, and realize that I am going to have a LOT, I mean... A LOT... going on. 6 classes and 2 jobs. I'm not sure about the two jobs though. I hope to have 2 jobs. Although I know it will be hard (that's what she said), I look forward to the challenge. I'm excited to start classes...

My fall classes:
Economics, Sociology, Health Fitness, Animal Biology, Painting, and Color Photography.

My Ideal Fall Schedule: (Tenative)
Sunday: 11am -8pm World Market

Monday: 9:30am -10:45 am Economics
11am- 12:15pm Lunch/Study Time
12:30pm -1:45pm Sociology
2pm-3:10pm Health Fitness
3:10pm -4:45pm Dinner/Study Time
5pm -10pm World Market

Tuesday: 9am- 11:50am Animal Biology
12pm -1:30pm Lunch/Study Time
1:30pm -4:10pm Painting
4:15pm -4:45pm Dinner Time
5pm -10pm World Market

Wednesday: 9:30am -10:45 am Economics
11am- 12:15pm Lunch/Study Time
12:30pm -1:45pm Sociology
2pm-3:10pm Health Fitness
3:10pm -4:45pm Dinner/Study Time
5pm -10pm World Market

Thursday: 9am- 11:50am Animal Biology
12pm -1:30pm Lunch/Study Time
1:30pm -4:10pm Painting
4:15pm -6pm Dinner Time/ Study Time / Work at the Photolab
6pm -10pm Color Photography

Friday: NICODAY! My day to do things around the house. Maybe hanging out with Irene (if she's not working). Cooking a nice meal for Stevie. We could have family over and make it a party or we could just chillax. Cuddle and a movie! :) Could work during the day if needed.

Saturday:Split day between Photolab and World Market

I hope that this works out and everyone will be happy. :)

TO DO (Before School)
-Organize Hall Closet
-Clean off Dresser
-Clean Room/Organize room
-Clean Bathroom
-Laundry
-Clean Kitchen
-Vaccum

Bleh..

2009-08-06T17:35:00.002-04:00

So. I'm back in the states. Have been for a little over a week now. Just as I thought I was ready to leave Paris, I wish I was back there. I feel so sad about it. hahah. If only I could have found my French love that could have convinced me to give everything up to stay with him. *SIGH*

I know, I know. You're sitting there laughing because you and I both know that wouldn't have happened. But hey, a girl can dream can't she!?

Anyway. There was so much I wanted to post about France and all my experiences. But my stories don't capture the essence of it. I love to tell people stories, but sometimes I fear that I may bore them. I get excited by the little things that happen within my adventures. Some just don't understand. I hate the feeling when people are bored. I feel very different though. Right now, sad. haha. I know that I probably won't get back there. And that, makes me very very very sad. Tres triste. haha.

I love how the French are so protective of their culture... I wish Americans were. I loved how they didn't overly dress, but totally didn't under dress for an occasion. It was just right. I wish Americans did that. I'm trying to incorporate it in my daily dressing, but I feel like I'm over dressing. I don't like getting looks from people.

What I hoped to happen when I came home from France, was that I would have magically changed into something that I wanted to change into. (haha. Total run-on sentence that isn't clear.) I was hoping that all my insecurities and problems would have dissipated and turned into something lovely. Which, I do fear that I still hold most of my insecurities, but I feel more secure about them. I was hoping to be more motivated about getting myself together. On the contrary, I feel more secure about doing what I want.. Which at this given moment, doesn't seem to be much on the track of 'getting myself together'

I was hoping that maybe I would have had an epiphany about life and what it is exactly that I want to do. It's shed some light on some things that I really do want to do (ie: learn french, go back to paris...)There are so many things that I want to do, that I just cannot bear the thought of having to choose between them. (There is also a motivation issue. I can mentally motivate myself, but that doesn't mean that my body will wake up on time...) The things I want most to do would tear my world apart and put me in uncomfortable grounds. And there would be no definite at the end of the day. I may or may not have a job, but I for sure wouldn't have my friendships and my relationship. It'd be easier to do nothing. But that too, would eventually eat me apart. Because I could never just do nothing....

I feel like I'm crazy! haha. I just want to have it all figured out. I know this is impossible. I just can't accept that things will be alright without knowing what will happen. I don't know that I'll ever graduate because I just cannot make up my mind. But I want to teach. Like you have no idea. But I don't want to be horrible at it, and I don't know that I'll have a job. I'd hate to spend all this time and money into something that I won't even get a job in. Then get stuck working in fast food barely able to pay my bills. I want to move to France. Become a waitress and bask in the beauty of Paris. Everything was beautiful. Even the bums and the urine stench. haha. (OK, maybe not the urine stench...)

I was supposed to hang out with a friend today. She bailed on me yesterday. I could have hung out with Irene, but like I said. I'm feeling very sad. It feels like a horrible break up. haha. DAMN YOU PARIS! haha. So in between my bursts of tears, I've been watching French films. haha. The last one I watched struck a chord. It was called 'Broken English'. Melvil Poupaud is so cute in this movie. I loved his French charm. He could be the vision of my French knight in shinning armor. haha. I know, dream on. haha. Gosh. I need a puff party. haha.

Viva le France et Rouen!

2009-07-19T15:49:00.002-04:00

So the time I've been waiting for has arrived! I'm over in Europe! :)

First flight(s)
-My first flight was delayed by an hour. Sucked then, but it made it perfect timing for the second flight.
-The turbulence/landing/departure from the ground made me fear for my life. It was one of those thrill moments where I enjoyed it at the same time. Love/hate relationship I tell ya...
-I'm so happy that I had aisle seats both flights. I forget where I'm sitting on my way home.
-I loved watching outside the windows. The clouds were amazingly beautiful. When I first looked out the window, I saw nothing but white clouds. They looked like mounts of mountains covered in snow. It's what I imagined Antartica to look like. haha. When we were landing in France, the clouds were big and puffy. They reminded me of cotton candy. I wanted to lay in them and take a nap.
-I also realized that i brought way too much crap that I wasn't going to use on the flight. (IE: 6 magazines, 4 books, nintendo ds, soduku games. haha) The only thing i really used was my ipod. Ill remember this for next time. I also tried out the games on the plane. The graphics were horrible, but it was a game.

France:
-I was in Charles De Gaulle airport for awhile. It was pretty cool. A bit confusing, a long way from where my plane landed.
-The drive to Rouen was wonderful. I saw so many fields and trees. It was breathtaking. In a way it reminded me of Pa with less extremes of hills.
-I then fell asleep for an hour. (mind you, the only sleep I've had in 2 days.)
-I woke up when my ipod's battery died. When I opened my eyes we had just entered Rouen. It's so cool. So many cathedrals. And oh my! The Hotel is amazing. More on that later, with pictures....
-Then I wandered the streets by myself. Not many stores were open on suday as it was 3 pm, but i could still browse the windows. Then i met my group back at the hotel for a group tour of Rouen. He recommended an amazing restaurant, which 7 of us stopped and grabbed a table. The waiter was funny, and I'm glad that he put up with our american asses that can't speak french. He was very nice though. My meal consisted of: Escargo as an apetizer, pepsi, and Croquet-Madame. Both were good. I'll elaborate more when I'm not so tired haha.

-Then I went and wandered by myself some more.
-Then Once I had enough of that, I went back to the hotel to unpack.
-While I was unpacking, I wanted to get my laptop connected to Wi-Fi. The only problem was, it was under a password. Easy, right? Go ask the professor? Yeah, he was out eating. haha. So I conjured up a plan! I didn't want to butcher the language, so I wrote everying out on a piece of paper. haha. correctly, because I used my mad French book skills! I walked up to her and was like 'Excuse moi....' and handed it to her. She read it, and gave me the code. Everytime I see her, she smiles at me. Not sure if thats good, or bad. lol.
-Then I went and wandered some more...
-Then it started raining, and I got soaked. I slowly walked back to the hotel, enjoying every wet moment. :)
-Somewhere along the way, I saw a dead grey kitten. It was sad. I miss my kittens. :(
- I painted my nails when i came back to the hotel while watching tv in French. I have no idea what theyre talking about! Sometimes I pick out a word or two. I get excited.

SO I'm going to have to wrap this post up... I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open!

Paris in two weeks!

2009-07-06T00:37:00.003-04:00

Oh my. Oh my. Oh my. haha. I'm so excited that I'm nauseous. I was trying not to think about it because I know I'll eventually throw up. haha.

Anyway. Yes, I'll be in Paris in two weeks. I'm so excited! I'll be there for 10 days, but still. I wish I had more time. There is so much I want to see and do! I can't wait to see everything and eat some delicious food! I just hope I saved enough money. I want to go SHOPPING! Haha.

Speaking of shopping.. I have to go shopping tomorrow for all the crap I'll need for my trip. I so don't want to do this. But, Irene and I will have fun while doing it! After our fun-adventure-filled day I want to work out. (Boo.) Hopefully it'll be a bike ride. I enjoy those. Steve and I went bike riding a couple weeks ago. I hadn't done it in 10 years (sad, I know). It was funny because I could barely keep it straight. It's amazing how quickly your skills deteriorate.

I've been relatively happier lately (which is enjoyable). I think it's due to two reasons- a) I'm not so stressed with the school/work life and b) I've been actually getting out the house doing things! (and [gasp!] actually spending time with people!) I've probably done more in the past two months than I have in the past two years. Sad, but true. I have Irene to thank for that! I actually want to do things. Most of my days off are spent crafting/cooking/shopping with Irene. I love it! Hopefully she's not getting sick of me. haha. We started a journal to capture the essence of our adventures: Elles.Crafty! It will hold recipes that we've tried (the good, the bad, and the awesome!), pictures of tasties (yes, I so did just make that word up), pictures of us having fun, and directions for crafts we've done along with final project pictures. Irene came up with it, cuz she's awesome. haha. Hopefully we can keep these fun days going while I'm in school and while she's working. I'll be sad without them. haha.

Anyway, I just realized the time. I must sleep now, for I have to meet Irene at 11 for our fun day, and I shall not be late!

Rawr.

2009-05-15T15:22:00.002-04:00

So instead of cleaning my office (and the rest of the house for that matter) I've decided to procrastinate by writing a blog. I'm disappointed with certain things in my life, but I'm not exactly sure what to do about them. I guess I'm more so disappointed with myself and how I allow things to be. I want to change, but I don't know where to begin. I want to be who I used to be, but I don't know how to find myself again. One day I hope to catch a glimpse....

I just have to remember that every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will start my journey towards change.

Reflection

2009-05-13T23:36:00.001-04:00

ever wonder what its like to be free
away from all the tradgedy
feeling like a newborn
covered with innocence
with all absence of fears
and a sense of curious imagination
ready to explore the world with no bias
just an open book with a pen and paper
ready to jot down all experiences
all the dreams and hopes you could wish
all that can be done could be done
with one single life altering decision

ever wonder what life would be
if everyone could accept one another
compromising all their feelings towards differences
subjecting their mind to openness
a world with out hate
bringing peace to all
no fear of shame
for openness sees no differences and welcomes change

ever remember the days of your childhood
where you can see the exact memory
as it all plays out on the movie screen in your head
all the fond sounds and feelings flood back
with such a force that leaves you stunned

ever wonder what your life would be
if you could change every decision you've made
what paths you've taken
would they lead you back to your starting point
or would you end at a trophy held high on a shelf
would you be something glamory and glittery
with a fake smile and a cold hug
would you be one dieing to fit in yet needing to be different
with a continuing depression, eyeliner, and black finger nails
would you be all prim and proper pulled by a string
with lips moving yet never speaking a word
every toss and turn leads us towards an infinate journey
a journey whoose end will never be found
a journey defined by endless possibilty

Finally!

2009-05-07T13:05:00.002-04:00

My semester is over! Whoo-hooo! I will miss some classes though. I will miss ceramics and photography. I won't find out my final grades until next week, hopefully I do well. I think I will get 3 A's and 2 B's. I brought Irene to my Photography Critique (Tuesday) and my Ceramics Critique (Wednesday). Here's what happened:
Tuesday:
9 am- French Final
10-11 am- I talked to my humanities prof about some books he recommended me reading. I ordered them on Amazon yesterday! I've never done it before, so I can't wait to get them.
11 am- Humanities Final
11:50 am- went home, gathered my portfolio for photography.
1 pm- picked irene up.
- we went to school, and I sold my books back. $215 towards Paris. Woot!
2:30 pm- The photography critique that lasted forever. The only thing that I took away from the critique, was that he really hated the one model's shirt because the cap sleeve was just not a flattering look on the model. haha.
4:15 pm- The Prof looked at my portfolio.
4:20 pm- Irene and I went to Ulta (the most amazing store in the world) and then Target.
6:15 pm- Irene and I met our boys and their parents at Baker's Square for dinner. Mmm. pie.
7:30 pm- Irene and I went to Old Navy ( the other most amazing store in the world) for jeans. We ended up buying more than jeans though. haha.

Wednesday
12:40 pm- Picked up Irene
1:00 pm- Ceramics Critique. (Will post pictures later.)
4:00 pm- Crepes at Baker's Square. Mm pie.
5:00 pm- Work.

So now that school is out, I have a ton of little things to do. Hopefully I get them done quickly so I can relax and do art project with Irene!

Mixed Emotions

2009-04-21T22:35:00.004-04:00

Man. I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I'm not pleased about certain things that are arising. I've started to become habitually late. I cannot stand it. I hate HATE being late. Yet, I always try to milk it from both ends. I try to maximize my evenings (go to bed at midnight), and force myself to wake up early to maximize my mornings (wake up at 6). It's just not working out. Yet, I just can't compromise with myself and actually admit that I cannot do this routine. Anyway. I'll keep trying to develop a better routine...

On a better note. I bought a book about encaustic painting. I've never done it before. I'm excited to try it. I'm going to have a busy summer! haha. All these Martha crafts I have to do! AND! I have to do crafting with Irene from her photo book and from the book she and Mike got me for xmas! I'm so excited! haha. Hopefully I'll have enough time between Paris for crafting! haha.

Biggest loser made me angry tonight. Real angry. Ron and Mike are both douchebags. Ron should have totally gone home a long time ago. But, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Kristen, you totally deserved to stay there. You work so hard! You make me hopeful to obtain my dreams. Thank you for that.

I'm late!

2009-03-30T10:45:00.004-04:00

Today is a horrible Monday. haha. I woke up at 7:38 and I had math class at 8. I hopped into the shower quickly, got dressed quickly, and managed to get out of the house by 8. I thought I was only going to be like 10 minutes late, which is normal for me. haha.

Then I get into my car and turn it on. CRAP! I forgot to get gas on my way home! I'm going to be later,later, later.... So I stop and get gas. And then I go to the intersection that I always take to go to work or school. So I'm thinking about math things, trying to remember logarithms and natural law, not paying attention to driving, just going with the motions. Now, there are two left turning lanes, and a straight lane and then a lane to turn right. I was in the straight lane (which was the correct lane because i was heading towards school). So then the light turned green for both turning lanes and the straight lane. For whatever reason, i started turning and then about crapped myself when i realized that 'Oh hey, I'm going to school.' so then i hurry back into my lane. Poor people probably thought that I'm one of those retarded drivers. ahah.

So then. I arrive to class about 35 minutes late. Start my test. First two pages are going smoothly. Then I get the third and I cant remember how to do this one problem (which i now know how to do). So I skip the problem. I fly through the next page and then I come to a page that looks like a complete foreign language. hahah. Skip those. And attempt to do the bonus. (Luckily there was a model on the board that he forgot to erase, so I used it to guide me through it lol.) and then i go back to do the skipped problems. Yeah, couldn't do em. Left em blank. Told him that I couldn't remember how to do a few. He will tease me about it tomorrow during tutoring. haha.

Then he asks me if I have the homework to turn in. *Gulp*
Me: The test review sheet?
Him: No, the sheet that says 'Homework 3', dear.
Me: Oh, I must have left that at home.
Him: Well, you have until 5 to turn it in.

Man. haha. I totally didn't see it online last night! I would have printed it out and worked on it. Oh well. I suppose I could do it now and turn it in before I go to ceramics. Bah. haah. Wahhhh I don't want to go to ceramics. haha. I have too much carving to do! Wahhhh I don't want to go to work. WAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhh. lol.

I want to start this day over. haha

I'm late! I'm late for a very important date! No time to say "hello", "goodbye", I'm late, I'm Late I'm LATE!

This is amazing!

2009-03-27T23:36:00.001-04:00

Heraclitus and face masks....

2009-03-26T16:16:00.003-04:00

Haha. I had to incorporate a rather interesting experience I had last night...

Well, I got home from work around 10ish to find that all the lights in the house were on, there was a candle burning, and steve's car in the driveway. Only problem was there was no Steve in sight! So I called him. Phone went to voicemail. So then I'm like, "Hm...". So I called Mike. Phone went to voicemail. I called Irene. Finally it rang, but no answer. lol. I figure he's fine, but I'm still a little confused at this point. So then 10 minutes later, Steve arrives home without free pie for the nico. :(. He said they (Baker's Square) wouldn't give him a piece to take home, and he had no money. It's sad, I know. I was looking forward to free pie. Somehow it always tastes better.

So anyway. Steve started helping me study after I did my nightly stuff. (Ie. washing my face, brushing my teeth...) This time I decided to try this new dead sea mask that I got at CVS the other day. Man, it was relaxing bliss. My face was all calm, cool, and collected as my brain was gathering all this information about Heraclitus, Thales, the numina, and all that jazz. Lovely, right? Just then I see this figure walk past the window and then I see Irina's smiling face staring at me. Uh,oh. I was caught with my mask on! haha. We enjoyed a 15 minutes of laughing about it. But none the less, it was a bit embarrassing. haha. At least we can laugh about it. Who knows, maybe we will have a face mask party someday. :)

First photography assignment

2009-02-21T11:20:00.006-05:00

My first photography assignment was to have one subject against a black background. I was only allowed to use one light. Here are some of my shots from the day! (If you want to see more, there are some posted on http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicolicious/.)

My office

2009-01-27T22:18:00.009-05:00

Before:
-You could barely see the carpet of my office.
-You couldn't walk across the room without tripping.
-I had no place to study or relax in.

After:
-I have a place to study, read, craft, and relax.
-My kittens enjoy having a place to sleep.
-I'm not tripping on anything!
-IT'S FINALLY CLEAN!

Yay!

2009-01-25T23:00:00.001-05:00

I'm all smiles today. For two reasons.

a) my office is finally clean. I've been trying to have a clean office for about 2 years now. I finally have one. (AWESOME)

b) I've lost a total of 7 pounds. WAHOO!

c) my office is finally an office. Complete with coffee table/ sofa. :)

So I started school a couple weeks ago..
Monday/ Wednesday:
Math 8-10
Ceramics 2 1-5

Tuesday/ Thursday:
French 8-10
Humanities 10-1230
Portrait Photography 230-5

I'm loving every minute of this!

Merry Christmas, and to all a good night...

2008-12-26T01:45:00.000-05:00

Well, Christmas was pretty awesome this year! My only complaint is that I wish I had more time to enjoy everything! haha.

Actually, I do have another small complaint.. I wish people would be nicer during this time of year. I had a crap customer come in on Christmas Eve around 5:30PM. We closed at 6PM, but I still had a long line. I was the only cashier because that's all the help we had. Every thing was going awesome, besides the fact that we were out of plastic bags, wrapping paper, tissue paper, pennies, and quarters. Then this lady comes up with this cute little metal cat thing that she had gotten as a gift. I thought it was cute. At first I thought she was purchasing it, so I asked if she found everything alright.
Her: 'Oh, I'm returning this and purchasing something else.'
Me: 'Oh well, if you want to go ahead and find your item to do an exchange, I'll take you first thing as soon as you find the item.'
Her: 'but I waited in line...'
Me: 'I promise I will take you first thing. It's faster for you if we do it that way.'
Her: 'Fine'

She left to find her item. I began to wonder where she was later, but I figured she got distracted by our goods. Boy, was I wrong. About 10 customers later the woman comes up in my line again and is completely pissed.
Her: 'I just want to let you know that I waited in line twice now.'
Me: 'I'm sorry Ma'am. I offered for you to come at the front of the line when you had found your item.'
Her: 'Well, I'm not going to cut in front of all these people.
(Thirty seconds of silence goes by while I'm trying to get her transaction going.)
I'm not trying to be a grouch on Christmas eve, but the next time a customer tells you to credit their charge card, you should probably do so instead of telling them to find another item. I never in my life have been told to find an item. I mean, you were really polite and nice about it...You shouldn't just always do what is easiest for you, you should do what the customer wishes.'
Me: 'Ma'am, I only told you to find another item because that's what you told me you were going to do in the first place. I offered for you to come to the front of line because you had already waited your turn. That's the best I can do.'
Her: 'You didn't know I was going to purchase something else."
Me: 'You told me so. You didn't have the receipt either, so I wouldn't have been able to credit it to your card...'

So while she's arguing me about how I'm not doing my job properly, I'm ringing out her transaction because I have about 20 people piling up behind her. She gets all pissy because I'm doing an exchange...
Her: 'so what does it come to?'
Me: '$4.15."
Her: 'No, what does the item come to?
Me: 'The item came to 4.99.:
Her: "Are you just combining the two?"(In a pissy tone)
Me: Yes. I'm crediting you 4.99 and you're purchasing your item minus 4.99'
Her: Uh, well I just wanted to know what you were doing.
Me: Do you want me to do it another way?
Her: No, this is fine. I just wish you would have just credited me before.
Me: I couldn't have ma'am for the exchange. This is how I was told to deal with transactions like this today. Would you like to talk to my manager?
Her: No, I don't want to get you into trouble.

Ok. So now you have the background, my time to bitch haha. This lady made me cry. Not because she was a bitch, it was just a combination of everything- being completely stressed because a) we were out of bags, change, and paper to wrap purchased items that are breakable b) being the only cashier c) the line never ends d) I wanted to be home with my family. Most people were really nice, but I don't understand why people get all pissy shit like that. I was just doing my job. I'm sorry that YOU had to wait in line, but seriously lady? Seriously?! It's fucking 5:30 PM on Christmas Eve. You should be at home, enjoying family time, not fucking exchanging a cute little item that you were given from your neice. I remember helping the little girl picking it out for you. And even if it wasn't a gift from your neice, you should expect to wait in a line on Christmas Eve. Don't you realize how many people shop late in the season? At least they realize why there are lines and don't bitch about it. And if they do bitch about it, they don't take it out on me because they realize they are partially to blame for the situation. It doesn't take much to shop a few weeks before xmas. In fact, I probably worked more than you did with less days off and I was able to get my shopping done a week and a half ago, so don't even tell me that you didn't have time. Work retail and bend over backwards for customers like yourself on a daily basis, then come talk to me in a nice tone. Oh well. End rant.

Other than that incident, my holiday eve was awesome. I got out of work a half hour late, and came home to a house full of family (complete with a new kitten named Chanel)- My bf's mom and dad, his brother(Mike) and sister (Janet), his brother's wife (Irene) and his sister's husband (Eric). We had some pizza and enjoyed some new things. I'm trying to introduce some new traditions to the family. We did some British traditions this year- crackers and a peppermint pig. I let everyone pick out a cracker and we each took turns opening them. You open them by pulling each side. It explodes open (not as loud as you think, it just goes crack ) and releases a folded paper crown, a joke or fortune, and a miscellaneous toy. They're supposed to bring good fortune to the new year and ward off evils. After we had our crowns on, we did the peppermint pig. It's a hallow pink peppermint shaped like a pig. You put it in a felt bag and take turns hitting it with a small hammer that comes in the package. After you whack it, you have to share a good fortune that happened that year and then pass the pig to the next person. I'm not sure how everyone else liked them, but I thought it was pretty fun. After the new introductions we played a few rounds of hangman, and then called it a night. Steve and I watched a movie and opened our presents. Soon after we hit the sack.

Christmas day, Steve and I slept in quite late (3pm to be exact) with our new kitten snuggled inbetween us. Then we headed over to his parents house for a gift exchange and a sandwich. (I had a few drinks of course. haha.) I tried some Peppermint Schnapps. It was pretty tasty. Then i tried some 151. I was quite giggly and full of 'that's what she saids' that actually made sense. haha. Most of the time they don't make sense when I say them... so for me, thats pretty good. Opened some sweet presents, then I helped clean up. Once I was ready to set the cleaning rag down, Steve and I headed to Brian and Linzy's to play some Guitar Hero Rock Band. That was super sweet. Then we headed home, stopped at Sheetz for a quick snack, ate it, and headed to bed. I'm not feeling too well haha. Gee, I wonder why. I'm having trouble sleeping, but I have to be at work at 5AM, so I really should try to get at least a half hour of sleep. haha. Off I go.

Happy Holidays...

2008-12-17T00:35:00.000-05:00

So I realized that I haven't posted much lately. I figured now would be a good time to do so...

I finished school last week. Not sure of my grades as of yet, but I should be relatively pleased. :)
I already signed up for my next semesters classes. (I'm excited!) I signed up for 17 credits. I'm not sure why I continue to do this to myself each semester, but somehow it all works out. I'm taking Portrait Photography, Ceramics 2, Into to Humanities, French 1, and College Algebra.

I also signed up for a summer class, which I'm the most excited for...

A PHOTOGRAPHY COURSE IN PARIS!

That's right! Paris, France. haha. The only thing holding me back is affording it, but I can get financial aid if needed. I'm trying not to go that way though, but we'll see.

What else is exciting? My birthday is in 11 days! Woohoo! The big 2-1. I hope I do something fun. haha. What is even more exciting than that? Christmas is in one weeeeeeek!!!!! PRESENTS! I love presents! I love giving presents, I love recieving presents, I love unwrapping presents. I just love presents! I was super excited and couldn't wait for xmas, so steve allowed us to have christmas early. :) He got me some socks, jeans, 2 pairs of lounge pants, microsoft office student, Viva la Pinatas (xbox game), another xbox game with chimps, a learn french disc set, the namesake dvd, and armani code perfume! All of which are amazing. I can't choose which is my favorite :) But I must say that Viva la Pinatas is the best game ever! Besides Beautiful Katamari that is....

Work has been work. A lot going on. Christmas time going on. Cranky customers, trashed store, rushed me. People really annoy me this time of year...

OH! Irene (Mike's fiance) came over from Armenia on the 5th. I've hung out with her a couple times. It's been really fun! We went shopping at a few stores and found some crafts to make as gifts for christmas. She's really cool. Hopefully I don't annoy her haha. We have so much in common it's crazy. Crazy awesome! She's going to help me pick out a camera for my France trip! I can't wait!

Other than that, not much going on. I haven't really had much free time. I've been working a lot. Getting home late, waking up early to repeat the process. I can't wait for the christmas season to be over at work...

So much to do, so little time.

2008-10-19T00:10:00.000-04:00

Ah. I've had much time to reflect in the past hour. Sometimes it feels as if my mind is racing 1000 MPH! It's ridiculous. But anyway...
This past week has been really humbling.
-I dropped out of my math class because I just don't have the time to invest in learning the subject. I understand it mildly, but I'm not allowing it to settle in to fully understand. It's not that I don't want to learn it, it's just that I simply do not have the time to. I've never been good at math, but I like to think that I can do it all. I'm beginning to realize that I can do it all, just not all at the same time. I'm taking on too much, and many have told me that no one can handle that. I wanted to prove that I could. Who am I kidding? Myself.
-The more I seem to try to do at work, it seems as if it's not enough, or the work I've done is disappointing. And frankly, that disappoints me. I work hard and I'm trying to please everyone (which I know is impossible). It bothers me when people tell me that I'm passing my work onto others. I'm totally not. I mean, if I am, I don't mean to. I just wish everyone could understand one another. Oh well, I'll just keep trying. Tomorrow is another day. I will accomplish all that I want to.

To do (school):
-Psych test Monday 10/20. (Study)
-Photography book report presentation Monday 10/22. (Practice speech)
-Process film for Frame assignment in Photography Monday 10/22(Due 10/27).
-Speech test Wednesday 10/22. (Study, Chapter journals due 10/22, Flash Cards due 10/27)
-Keep up on my Dream Journal for class.

To do (work):
-Housekeeping (Dusting, polishing, tagging)
-Reorganize Living (make layout plan)
-Clean up Clearance
-Build ( 2 chairs, sideboard, pub set, file cart, bed frame)
-Organize stockroom
-Make homes for incoming stock (check detail list)
-Clean mirrors

To do (home):
-Clean (dust, vacuum, sweep/mop)
-Laundry
-Put away Laundry
-Dishes
-Organize office
-Clean my car (outside and inside)

I hope this week goes by quickly. I can't wait to be Wilford Brimley.
Which reminds me...

To do (halloween)
-bake cookies.
-decorate space.
-buy costume (flannel shirt, vest, khaki pants, already have the hat)

Man, my brother's girlfriend had surgery on Thursday. I've been meaning to call her and send her flowers. I hope she's not mad. Bah, I hate forgetting. I realized I'm broke too, maybe she'll accept painted flowers instead. haha. At least they last longer.

The Namesake

2008-09-30T21:26:00.000-04:00

I watched a really touching movie tonight. (Yet again, thanks to the lovely Stephen who upgraded to HBO.) It was called the Namesake. It was about a Pakistani family struggling with American values. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Go Steelers!!!

2008-09-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

I'm watching the game (Steelers vs Ravens), We're in overtime. GO STEELERS!!!! :)

I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. I'm thankful I don't have to work tomorrow, otherwise I don't know when I'd get all my tasks done!

To Do:
-Math Homework (3 sections worth)
-Photography Homework (36 shots of different vantage points)
-Psychology Homework (Bonus video description and analysis)
-Tutoring appointment at 3 or 3:30
-Return + exchange something at Best Buy
-Fold and put away laundry
-Wash Dishes
-Rearrange bedroom

And the Steelers won!! Awwwwwww yeah.

Busy Busy Busy

2008-09-26T22:55:00.000-04:00

Well. Today was a busy day from the get go. Crazy sales going on at work. lol. Basically, every rug is going on sale so I had to price each one individually. Oh well. I'm eating these delicious thin shortbread cookies with coarse sugar on them and watching Mr. Bean's Holiday.

Speaking of holiday... lol. I think I need a mental holiday from work and school. I have a test in my dream class on Monday. Hopefully I will do better than I did on previous tests. Cross your fingers!

Season's are a changing!

2008-09-25T11:07:00.000-04:00

Hi! I got inspired by my dear friends SB and Vladi to create another blog! I had one years ago, but I get easily distracted and forget to update. Hopefuly that won't happen with this one! I'm looking forward to sharing all about my days! I promise to try to post at least every day. If not every day, every other day.
Today was very productive. I woke up early on a day I technically didn't have to. (I know, I was shocked too.) I started a load of laundry, swept/mopped the kitchen, and then enjoyed a orange julius on my comfy couch! Man, it was tasty. Now I'm enjoying the perks of HBO. Movies all day! It's crazy! Much thanks to the wonderful Stevie for deciding to upgrade!

I must say though, I had a rough day yesterday... I was all pumped for school to see how well I did on tests I had taken previously on Monday. I headed to campus early, got an awesome parking spot, and arrived to class early. All is going well. My math teacher goes over the next lesson (which started off well, and then started to go over my head, but I'll get the hang of it) and then passes out the test. My heart sank when I read the grade. D. Omg, a D. lol. I didn't get upset about it at that time, because I knew I could have studied more and convinced myself that I did better on my other two tests.

I go to the photography lab and start finishing up this same print that I have been working on for the past 5 classes. Everything goes great until I expose my final print and develop it. I don't know what keeps happening, nor does the teacher. For whatever reason the print is in focus when I do my test strip and develop it, and then goes out of focus when I do my final print. I've wasted a lot of paper on this first project... It doesn't bother me that it's taking me more time and extra paper to do it, it bothers me that it's the same problem over and over. lol. But I will get the hang of it.

I go to speech and get my test right away. Thinking that I did better than my first test, I don't look at the grade until I sit down. (Good thing too.) When I do get comfortable and take a look at the grade, it was a complete let down. Again, a D. Not just an old little D though, I managed to get a D+. One stinking point. haha. I will study better the next time.

After speech, I head to the opposite side of campus for Psychology. Thinking that I got this since I aced the pop quiz for extra credit, I wasn't too concerned. She passes back the test. Another let down. Yet again, and horrible letter D. One more stinking point and I could have had a C. Not that a C is better to me than a D, but it's still higher on the failure totem pole than that D. Yet again, I will study better the next time.

Dream class was a relief. We have a test on Monday, so we had a class review. At least I knew most of the answers to the questions asked. I suppose that means nothing because that obviously meant nothing on Monday. haha.

Other than it being extremely disappointing, I had a great day. Sb and Vladi, my neighbors from my old apartment, came over for dinner. We had spaghetti and meatballs with garlic toast. Yummy! Although I did manage to slightly burn the garlic toast, we all were stuffed with good food. For dessert, Sb and Vladi brought an apple pie. Oh my, was it good.

All in all, a great day for apple pie and a great time to catch up with friends!